Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Frank Ocean's Confession, Thank you Frank.

Earlier yesterday there was a buzz going around the internet world of Frank Ocean being 'Gay',  these so called rumors were 'confirmed' when he posted an open letter on his tumblr page about his summer love with another guy. The letter described him spending summers with a guy, his first love, coming to terms with that reality and dealing with it. His guy also had a girlfriend whom Frank met.

This is not a post to talk about how this will this affect his career, or to draw attention to the 'Down low' syndrome, Hips Hop's or entertainment gays, but to talk about the struggle with bi-sexuality. But ultimately the struggle with self.

I, myself, have dealt with this for years and still deal with it in some ways. I struggled with my attraction to other women, my love for a woman, as well as my own feelings of "wrongness". Unlike Frank the beginning of my story is a little different.

My first sexual experiences were with girls at a very young age and at the time it wasn't about what was wrong, but what felt good. For as long as I can remember I admired different features on women and still do, lips, eyes, face, body, etc. I'm a lover of the human body, but it's something about a beautiful woman that evokes the same response in me as a beautiful man. However, there's a complex here...some people fall in live with features of the same sex because of what they themselves lack; and then interpret that as 'bisexual' or 'gay' meanwhile, its just an infatuation of being attracted to what you wish your own body possessed.
This 'infatuation' attraction was tested when I went to College, I was never OK with this feeling, couldn't come to terms with it just like Frank, and most 'bi' people are never OK with these feelings because it's too much of a struggle.

The absence of having good men in my life, and being abused, taken advantage of, failed relationships, caused me to want something different. So I pursued her.
I was in need of reciprocated love in the same capacity in which I gave so I searched for her. But not just any her. She walked across campus one day the most beautiful hair, with pink tinted lips, and eyes that told me that she wanted and needed love in the same capacity.

Eventually,I kissed her, I related to her, I tried hard to deny my feelings for her.  But besides myself to me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was the first and last girl that my heart ever told myself I was in 'love' with. We didn't spend a semester, months or a summer,. We spent time.

She  went on to deny me eventually, but I kept chasing her...just like Frank.

In his open letter he describes him telling the guy how he felt and the guy didn't reveal the same until years later.  I told her how I felt, she never revealed the same, I didn't tell her how deep because I rejected those feelings with a passion. I didn't have to 'come out' to anyone because I used the popular "fad" of female bisexuality to justify my action; but it was more than that.

I carried her in my spirit for a year after. And prayed to let her and these feelings go. I often wondered what in my child hood sparked this attraction? Was it hormonally driven? An obsession? Infatuation? What? I don't deny these feelings, I allow myself to have them so I can identify the why's.
What has helped me battle this struggle is that me knowing at the end of the day a woman is not what I want...forever. I don't want to marry a female,raise kids with a female, or build a family with a woman.  For me, it's simply a physical and mental attraction to certain women and 1 who just happen to have me open.

 I'm not against Gay's, lesbians, bi's etc. I applaud those who deal with the battle and make it through, whether they succumb or fight takes a lot of courage and strength! I've had a lot of friends come out to me and most times I want to talk them out of it. Not because I'm against it, but because it can become a dangerous game. People get killed, disowned, and take their own lives when they deal with confusion about their sexuality. I know that everyone has to ultimately fight their own battle, it's like living stuck between two different worlds! You're fighting against your morals, values, what you have known to be right, how you were raised, the outside world, family, your identity, it is truly a spiritual war that takes a hold of your physical body and can kill you, or lead you to kill yourself.

There have been many people who have come out about there battle. Donnie Mcclurkin was one of them. His story was the first story that gave me insight and understanding into the battle of sexual identity; through child abuse and molestation and how it can leave you with a sexual identity crisis if you manifest the outcomes.

I felt the need to write this to bring awareness to LGBT issues and to give a different perspective, understanding and insight into bi-sexuality.

I want to Thank Frank for not being ashamed, for penning something so beautifully and poetically written, to not hiding, or being on the 'DL'...I'm not going to suggest that Frank is full on GAY, however I  commend him for sharing his story of a beautiful experience against all odds.

Thank you, Frank Ocean

'Whoever you are. Where ever you are. I'm starting to think we're a lot alike. '

PS: I was wondering why I couldn't get your song out my head.=)

Here"s Franks letter here...

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