I was just sitting here thinking about a convo me and my sister had over Easter weekend and one of my EX's popped into my head. It also doesn't help that I've been listening to Tank Pandora Radio all day and Maxwell "Womans Work" just came on. Anyway, I'm just reflecting on my past relationships and how my EX's have really hurt me in one way or another. I'm not going to say I'm totally innocent in either situation but my last two EX's have definitely played a HUGE role in the way that I am towards men now, even my current BF.
It's making me emotional right now because, I never asked for the hurt or pain and damn sure don't believe that I deserve it.
I'm at a point where physical intimacy is so hard, I can't get physically close to anyone. I'm not just talking about sex, I mean kissing, holding hands, cuddling, it's too much for me. My boyfriend wants me to open up and even though we've been on & off for 7 years I just can't seem to do it.
I've given myself, whole heartedly, mind, body and spirit to my last two relationships and have gotten emptiness in return. & I somewhat feel empty now, like I'm just going through the motions, yea I am pretty much going through the motions.
I'm not one to let my past dictate my future but I'm starting to think unconsciously I'm letting it. Maybe I shouldn't have made this move this soon, my BF is talking about Marriage and kids and though I love him I don't want to end up in a situation just because. Just to have someone, just to fill that void, just to feel loved.
I didn't think it was this hard, but as I progress in life and spend some time reflecting I'm starting to realize a lot more.
Nomatter how much I've been hurt, I don't wear a chip on my shoulder and in the back of my mind I'm still open to love and new experiences (yea right) but with physical limitations.
I think I'm still waiting on that guy, My King, the Prince charming who will come and swept me off my feet. Who will be patient with me, understand me, and who will make me want to open up. The one that sends me flowers and calls just to hear my voice. The one that surprises me with visits. The one who is spontaneous, and who I don't have to tell where to take me. The one who knows that I appreciate a walk in the park, a kiss on the forhead, and a hand on my waist without moving below.
Maybe I should have waited for that, maybe I made the decision to be with my love too soon. Maybe I still need to find me to figure me out, time to heal or maybe it's just this fuckin emotional Pandora station. lol
Anyway, that's enough of all this mushy mushy reflecting on the past.
Loved, Lost & now time to move on...how realistic is that? Not much because I'll most likely be writing another post about this crap!