My EXperience

I was just sitting here thinking about a convo me and my sister had over Easter weekend and one of my EX's popped into my head. It also doesn't help that I've been listening to Tank Pandora Radio all day and Maxwell "Womans Work" just came on. Anyway, I'm just reflecting on my past relationships and how my EX's have really hurt me in one way or another. I'm not going to say I'm totally innocent in either situation but my last two EX's have definitely played a HUGE role in the way that I am towards men now, even my current BF.

It's making me emotional right now because, I never asked for the hurt or pain and damn sure don't believe that I deserve it.

I'm at a point where physical intimacy is so hard, I can't get physically close to anyone. I'm not just talking about sex, I mean kissing, holding hands, cuddling, it's too much for me. My boyfriend wants me to open up and even though we've been on & off for 7 years I just can't seem to do it.

I've given myself, whole heartedly, mind, body and spirit to my last two relationships and have gotten emptiness in return. & I somewhat feel empty now, like I'm just going through the motions, yea I am pretty much going through the motions.

I'm not one to let my past dictate my future but I'm starting to think unconsciously I'm letting it. Maybe I shouldn't have made this move this soon, my BF is talking about Marriage and kids and though I love him I don't want to end up in a situation just because. Just to have someone, just to fill that void, just to feel loved.

I didn't think it was this hard, but as I progress in life and spend some time reflecting I'm starting to realize a lot more.

My EXperience.

Nomatter how much I've been hurt, I don't wear a chip on my shoulder and in the back of my mind I'm still open to love and new experiences (yea right) but with physical limitations.

I think I'm still waiting on that guy, My King, the Prince charming who will come and swept me off my feet. Who will be patient with me, understand me, and who will make me want to open up. The one that sends me flowers and calls just to hear my voice. The one that surprises me with visits. The one who is spontaneous, and who I don't have to tell where to take me. The one who knows that I appreciate a walk in the park, a kiss on the forhead, and a hand on my waist without moving below.

Maybe I should have waited for that, maybe I made the decision to be with my love too soon. Maybe I still need to find me to figure me out, time to heal or maybe it's just this fuckin emotional Pandora station. lol

Anyway, that's enough of all this mushy mushy reflecting on the past.

Loved, Lost & now time to move on...how realistic is that? Not much because I'll most likely be writing another post about this crap!

RFC

My Random Thoughts 3

Should you structure your family around your career or your career around starting a family? It seems like today with most Career oriented men & women they sacrifice having a family. Many women have resorted to different alternative methods such as sperm bank or a surrogate not having time to build that relationship w/ a man to create a child. What do you think?

My take on it. I know that when I was in Highscool and planning out my life and yearly goals I used to say that I wouldn't have kids until I am about 30 because according to how "I" want my life to be it wouldn't work any other way. Well as we all know life doesn't adjust for YOU, YOU have too adjust to it. So since I am in College now I can say that my life so far hasn't quite went according to the plans that I had and my perspective is a lot different.

Yes, I still don't want to have children until I am well established and married. However, I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice having a family to fit into my career. I'm 21 now and instead of 30 I say around 24 or 25 I should have my first child. I say that because marriage is looking a lot closer (I think). I don't want to wait until I'm 28 or 30 to bring life into the world, but can I really say that?

You know its like. Lets say that after graduation the job search doesn't work well for me (I highly doubt, but you never know)and I have to make ends meet so I end up getting a job not in my career field. Sales at Macys or retail somewhere...ok.

So now I'm looking at making about $7.50-$9 an hour while my BF is already making $10. Lets calculate that... If I make $7.50x8x5=$300 a week. So take out taxes and that is about $450-$500 every 2 weeks.

Not bad I'll make between $850-1000 a month (minus taxes).

Now if we do the math for my bf (don't feel like calculating) he would make a bout $400 a wk. $100 more. Take out taxes he would bring home between $1000-1200.

Together we would make in 1 month at max=$2,200.
Hmmm now lets calculate that in a year. WOW that is just almost $30, 000 (sense the sarcasm). Two people making aproximately $26, 400 together.

Now don't get me wrong I come from the struggle so I know families that can and will make this work. Hell my mother is a living testimony to that. But for me that is definitely not going to work!! In no way shape or form is that acceptable based on the goals and aspirations that I have for myself and for my family.

Paying Rent, light, cell phone bills, buying food, car notes and insurance is already going to take up most of that $26, 400 now add formula, diapers, bibs, cribs, walkers,clothes, shoes, medicine if the baby is sick and oh lets not forget the days you might have to miss work when your child is sick.

So that'll probably knock that $26, 400 down to about $25, 000. Then the hubby will probably have to pick up OT. Which will most likely drive a wedge between the two of us. I already can't stand our distance now!

You see, for me, there is a lot that I have to take into consideration if I want to have a family. And that is where the problem comes in because I have to have the Career of my choice. Being a Pr manager or specialist I will make no less that $28 dollars an hour almost 3 times what I would make at minimum wage. So say I get that perfect career that I want, can I risk that with Child birth? I mean can I really afford that maternity leave?

Honestly, I believe that after I have established myself in my company it would not be a problem and PR is pretty flexible so hopefully I would be able to work from home if needed. That may not be the case for everyone. All I know is that Me and my Husband will HAVE to ABSOLUTLY be doijng extremely well in the next 5 years for me to even consider bringing a child into this world. I would have to know that if either one of us were to lose our jobs that the other could pick up and that we would be ok. So I guess I say that to say...I really don't know.

Maybe I should go back to plans of having a child at 30 or pray to the Lord that I can be in the position that I want, and if I am to marry my love who I am with now he will be blessed with a different job or a raise.lol

What do you think?